Matt and Melissa Got Married

I was Matt's Best Man. I was asked recently if I was really the BEST man and I asked her if she really wanted to find out. It was a regrettably short conversation. This is my speech for Matt. He was pleased, if he was honest about it (and I have no reason to believe he wasn't. Love you, bro).



Hello and thank you for coming. One of my favorite quotes is from the great American movie "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," which goes, "When the legend becomes fact, print the legend." This is a very important quote because facts get hazy as time passes, but the gist of this story is basically true.

I have known Matt for 13 years, and during most of that time he never drank. He didn't like it. He was one of those kids who says, 'It's like they made it taste bad on purpose.' So this had to have been fall 2006, and Matt and Melissa had been texting each other in the way that young kids do, and that was kind of cool and all, but she was living in Seattle and Matt was living with me in Brooklyn. There's
that little problem of DISTANCE.

Matt, Gary, Phil and Sam went out to San Francisco for Halloween to visit their friend and Matt and Melissa had arranged to meet up while he was there. Romantic, huh? Beautiful city. Magic. I hear nothing from Matt the whole week.

Matt comes home and he's kinda groggy and tired in that post-vacation way. And I say, "Hey dude, how did it go?" And he says, "Well it was a blast. I got my tire stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge and almost killed myself. But it was pretty cool."

"So how's Mel?"

"Oh, man. Well we met at some bar and I spent the better part of a night downing whiskeys to get up the courage to kiss her. I got totally hammered."

"You don't drink."

"Right."

I think the lesson is that Melissa drove Matt to drink before they even started dating. Please enjoy your evening.

drops mic, exerunt