New Work

I either,

a) Want to start a band or

b) Become a songwriter in the manner of Jim Steinman.

I have written several song titles but no actual songs. These are those titles. Please do not steal them, or use them as inspiration for your own songs.*


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No Horse in the Race Between Good and Evil

Pro-choice/Anti-decision

I Don't Shave Because I'm Lazy

Spitballing

Soft Touch on a Heart of Stone

Battles with Bricks

I Wish You Were More Like My Mom and I Was More Like Your Dad

Doing the (Frustrated Owl)

Broken Noses and Bloody Hearts

Slowly I Turn

Andrea Dworkin Needed a Man (Like You Need Me)

I Can See Everything Behind Your Four Eyes

Big Gay Song

Henry Crawled From Kenosha to Missoula

14

If We Are Made of Stars Then Why Don't You Shine? (Moby is a Liar)

What Would I Be Like as a Dinosaur

You Can't Stand There (Unless You Dance)

(Parentheticals)

The Reburth of Western Civilization (Part I)

Ghost Train**

I Locked Up Your Number But I Have it Memorized

Theme Song to a Late Night Talk Show

Your Love Button Comes With a Launch Code

Asshole in a Wheelchair

Blackout Curtains

Theme Song for Minor Scandal

The Baffles

Crazy Ivan

Starting With The Ending and Working Backwards

When I am an Old Man I Shall Wear Black

Think of the Money and Put It In Your Mouth

Where The White Women At?

Paul Westerberg

I Spent More Hours Trying to Get Into Your Arms (Than I Actually Spent There)

Eyeblack

The Last Waltz of Ken Griffey Jr.

Victory Lap.

Start Making Sense

My Advice to You is to Kill Yourself

Pull Your Own Trigger***

Let's Talk About Getting More Drunk

You're Gonna Make a Mistake Tonite!

I've Lost My Keys Take Me Home

It's Not a Crime to Break Into Your Own House

Don't Tell Mom I Killed the Babysitter

More to come!****


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*Unless you are one of the following,

A member of Small Wonder,
A member of Breadwinner,
A member of Starscream,
A member of Antimagic,
A member of Bathtub Sailors,
A member of Fiasco,
One of the Jaywalkers,

Your name is, or contains the words, Charlie, Scout, Jack, Aviva, Dore, Olivia, Young, Devin, Andrew, Lily, Abraham, Martin and Jon. Also, anyone who feels they should be in this list but is not.

**This song must be about the G Train.

***You can't use this one. It's half-written.

****This is not a song title. This is the end of the article.